It was beginning to get dark. I knew the end was coming. I continued to lie there with my legs draped over his. He had fallen asleep. He was always so peaceful while he slept. I wanted him to stay, just a few more hours…. Before when knew it it would be morning and they he could leave but until then… I wanted him to stay. I wanted one of those nights that we used to have in the summer. Drifting between sleep, sex, and conversation. I dared not ask though, If I asked then there would be some half truth excuse to follow up my ask.
“Oh, I have to do something for my mom…”
“Oh I’m hanging out with…..”
I sat up and took a deep breath to stop the tears of frustration from forming . He rolled over so that his arms could be wrapped around me and placed his head in my lap. He was so beautiful to me . Long eyelashes, smooth skin, pouty lips. I wanted a real chance at us. A chance to love him in spectacular and transformative ways. Give him children and a home, you know something beautiful. A home with beautiful woodwork and wood floors. Some place I would walk into and knew immediately that it was our home. The energy would be full of love and light, Our child would greet me at the door so happy to see mommy. And I would look at that child and see the perfect mix of he and I.
I snapped back from this reality realizing that vision of life may forever remain a dream. All I had was this moment with his arms around me in my bed. Slowly he started to stir, stretching, yawning. Looking up at me he smiled then licked his lips.
A breathy and hoarse “Hi” escaped his lips. I smiled hoping that my eyes wouldn’t give away what my heart was feeling. I attempted to get up but he wouldn’t let me. My heart fluttered as he slid up and began to kiss me. My whole body got hot, the kisses got more intense and before I knew it we were making love again. All wrapped up in each other, I wrapped my legs around his hips and drew him close . I began to sing him a sweet song in his ear. I was never good with my own words, but music had this way of bridging the gap between my heart and my head. I wanted him to stay so badly… I hoped he knew . As we climaxed the room seemed to be suspended in time. We laid there together for one final moment…. Throwing the covers off of him I watched him get out of bed, grab his things, and get dressed. All hope that I had of him staying faded away in that moment. I grabbed my own shirt and shorts, preparing to walk him out the door. The silence in the room was awkward and thick. Full of everything I wanted to say. I knew the answers to all my questions. I had heard the rebuttals time and time again but I still wanted to ask. I looked at him, fully dressed, backpack thrown over his shoulder ready to go.
I wanted to ask how long it would be before I heard from him again.. A Month…. A Week…. 6 Months… 2 Years….. Either way all I knew was it was time once again to say goodbye.